on faliure
Lessons to share on failure.
prelogue
The only real failure is the failure to try is a common adage, but how many of us genuinly embrace it with the ease we deserve? As I reached the end of 2024, I came face to face with the feeling of failure, and my mind was drawn to a piece of work I completed in 2022.
For the first few months of 2022, I explored a master’s course in mad studies, and this post today is what emerged from the first module; it was presented in zine style and attached to an email of resignation, which I sent to the full teaching staff and cohort, as an act of rebellion and activism to embody my point. (It wasn’t appreciated)
Even though I didn’t receive any formal acknowledgement of this brief post-graduate experience, it impacted me and was integral to my journey. It was a valuable lesson, which was greatly needed, and not only was I connected to a now trusted guide and healer, I allowed myself to try and fail, and through this, I began to embody my true core values.
Two years later, I am still spiralling through the lesson of failure, with new teachings being gifted each time. Posting this piece is a small - yet large - act of reconciliation for myself, as I post something I had not planned to place on this platform, and not at the ‘right time’. But that doesn’t matter because I choose to allow myself to bend and flex. Because the only true failure is when we fail to try.
Lessons I have learnt, in failing to be a Mad Studies student
Written 2022
introduction
I hesitated to write, like always, because my learning is not yet complete. As soon as I write it down it changes, so let me provide you with a snapshot of my learning at this point in time. This has been my most successful failure to date, because I realised quite early on that it was, so have taken the steps to re-align myself. This being one.
I currently view mad studies as a liminal space of inquiry, discussion, critique and innovation from a ‘mad’ perspective, and by that I mean anyone with lived experience of so-called madness, in all that encapsulates. A space to unlearn and inform your perception of the world. A lens we can choose to use alongside our others, not a set of rules. You can contribute without identifying with madness and not contribute whilst identifying with madness. There can be no consensus but a loosely shared understanding and values base which unite our work. Hope - which encourages our unique potential. A space for interdependence instead of independence or codependency. Working alongside one another in our unique ways, for each one of our voices is valid, and necessary.
the lessons
1) My past molded me and brought me to this point, but it does not define me - it is not who I am. We do not need to hold onto distress, trauma, or labels like they are a part of us, forever re-bruising ourselves and stifling our natural growth with the expectations that come attached. When we choose to place down the idea of who we are, from who we have been, and be present with ourselves now - we can flourish.
2)Success can be different for everyone. I do not need to reside in the walls of an institution to be taken seriously, I do not need a degree or certificate to prove my ability to support my community through positive change, and I do not need to label myself an academic to produce knowledge of value. Perhaps you do. We would each benefit from taking time to review and challenge our perceptions of what success is - unlearn what is not ours and realign ourselves with what resonates with us.
3) Growth will not happen in the comfort zone, but in the spaces of discomfort - and it may not be the growth you set out for. We need to learn to discern between discomfort (challenge, growth, development) and discomfort (limitation, friction, stagnation). When you realise that something does not serve you, you are allowed to put it down. There is no shame in stopping, it is a success in knowing yourself and your needs. It is not selfish to have your fundamental needs met; you are worthy and deserving of what you need to thrive, not just survive, just by being alive. You do not need to squeeze yourself into something - your path should feel uplifting and spacious, not restrictive or fearful.
4) The universe is constantly in flux, and we are of the universe - life is liminal space, full of endless transformational and creative potential. Progress is never linear and nothing can be rigidly set, because as soon as something is written as fact it is out of date, and therefore restrictive. There's a call to meet our needs here and now, put down pre-conceptions and expectations, to instead approach with an intentionality. Allow and surrender ourselves to exploration within a beginners mindset to unfurl and flow organically. This then also requires times of review, reflection and adjustment as we evolve to ensure we are maintaining alignment (personally and collectively).
5) End goals are not for movements - they indicate that at a point we will have reached absolute completion, our work here is done. But if the universe is in flux, we are in flux, our needs are in flux - how can we ever be done? Our needs will change and our movements can follow to meet them. Perhaps this is why movements fizzle out, they require flexibility to evolve, not rules or set agendas which stagnate.
6) We need to be the change we wish to see in the world. Theorising is important but only does so much, we need to put theory into practice - actually embody the change. Movements need a two-way discussion where theory and practice inform each other, they are not separate entities. We fall on that continuum as well. Today you are one thing, tomorrow another, why limit yourself? As Alan Watts said - you are under no obligation to be the person your where 5 minutes ago.
fresh perspective
The start of 2025 marked yet another pivot for me, a mere four months after I opened myself into service, I initiated a pause. I have been in a personal state of accelerated transformation, and I feel disorientated, tired and raw, as what is not for me is unravelling in front of my eyes, time and time again. Sometimes it is tempting to lay down and admit defeat. But, when we choose to avoid failure, we choose to avoid life, and that in itself is the greatest failure.
Failure is only a feeling, not a fact. I view this as a fractal version of what Joanna Macy speaks to about positive disintegration; when what we place our sense of self on, no longer feels valid, it can create a sense of disorientation, and pain within us, and that this is what we are actually feeling - abashed and lost.
We get to set our expectations, and even though I have been through this lesson - time and time again - it doesn’t make the process of surrender easier. Failure is an ego death, it physically hurts. When we choose to show up and try again, even when it appears to jeopardise our sense of self, is a true measure of success.
“Like all living things, we must make our descent into the darkness then wait for some new kind of wisdom to take root” Valerie Andrews
David Whyte said that when we are on our path, the path disappears; it is bold to feel the pangs of failure, yet, continue to put one foot in front of the other in vulnerability, when we can not see what is before us. Walking alongside this lostness is the key to finding oneself; we are meant to walk the darkened path, for the darkness of the liminal void is fertile space for our personal growth. We can never truly define ourselves, for we evolve in each moment with each foot placed forward, and as such, we must meet ourselves freshly in each present moment.
This then also means we can’t actually fail, for it was not us that set the expectation, goal or desired outcome, but a previous version of ourselves. We can let it go because it doesn’t matter what the defined ‘failure’ was, it now only matters how we choose to approach this feeling within us, which ultimately defines who we choose to be.
We are all just works in progress, and that is beautiful. I choose to show up in newer ways; to play and enjoy what I am creating and share it, instead of placing unneeded pressure upon myself. So, as Dwayne Johnson says, it’s one day or day one. Speak soon.